“2At some point, you will be a topic. Either through a feature story or an opinion column, something you do or say will be a subject. Get over it. Consider it a compliment, even if we’re arguing against you in print.” So you’ll take a private conversation into the public eye and shame them for daring to disagree with you over something that’s probably just really stupid, rather than actually reporting something important? Great to know.

“3Yes, we think we’re smarter than you. In fact, we know it. Does that smack of ego? Absolutely — but that confidence is what makes your heart go pitter-patter.” So, basically, you (and all the journalists you speak for, probably without their permission all things considered) have an ego the size of Jupiter and maybe an ounce of intellect to justify it (yes “towards” is a word you stupid fuck, dictionaries aren’t rubbish just because you didn’t write them).

“4You’re not less important than the job — the job is just more important than anything else. One doesn’t become a journalist to sit in an office from 9 to 5 Monday through Friday.” Yes, one does (see point 1 above).

“5You won’t be disappointed. Journalists are intense, driven, passionate folk. We carry those same attributes into our relationships, making it an extremely fun ride well worth the price of admission. Our lives are never boring and each day is different.” This is basically point 3 amplified even further because you apparently haven’t given everybody enough reasons to hate you.