YES, THEY REALLY ARE ‘DEATH PANELS’ • Tragic. What bureaucratic ‘guidelines’ get you.

KWANZAA-ING SEPT. 11 • No ‘War on Terror,’ No ‘Merry Christmas.’

TACTICAL BACON • With a 10-year shelf life, perfect for that bunker, earthquake kit, dorm room or Mormon storage facility. Oh, and it’s BACON!

SO, BUSH VOLUNTEERED TO FLY IN VIETNAM? • More egg on Dan Rather’s face.

I’LL SEE YOUR $9 TRILLION, AND RAISE YOU … • CBO’s ‘optimistic’ projection assumes federal spending is going to fall between now and 2012.

YEAH, BUT WOULD WE PROSECUTE THE CIA OPERATIVES THAT TORTURED THEM? • Best way to deal with a zombie attack? Act swiftly and aggressively to eliminate the threat.

WHAT’S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN? And let’s not even get started with the ‘40 acres and a mule’ promise.

DON’T KILL A WHORE WITH FAKE BOOBS • And think you’re gonna get away with it.

‘WE ALL AGREE THAT THE SYSTEM IS IMPLODING’ • In Canada. The answer? ‘Doctors need to develop a plan to cure it.’

THERE’S A REASON I DON’T DRUNK TEXT IN CHINA • Well, in addition to not, you know, being in China.

HOPE AND CHANGE GOES LIMP AGAIN • Apparently, not as many got it on on Election Night as thought (or maybe they just killed their babies at Planned Parenthood).